The Snares of Delusion
Mel Goldberg
Chun Yee had a dream. In his dream he looked down from the roof above the 100th floor of the People's Education Institute building. Behind him the horizon glowed with the pale light just before dawn.
He leaped.
As he fell in slow motion, his friends rose past him like escaping helium balloons. He stopped falling and floated, treading air. Su Lin floated by. He reached for her, but his arms became too heavy to move. The top of a golden monolith reflected first sunlight in the distance, like a beacon.
He shouted. "Su Lin. Su Lin."
The dream-shout woke him. His shoulders were stiff and his back ached. The ceiling projection clock told him it was time to get ready for work.
He shuffled across his small apartment to the bathroom, opened the small cabinet, and took down a bottle marked THC:delta-9-tetrahydro-cannibinol. Swallowing one tablet, he stepped into the small shower stall. The shower head came just to his chest. Cursing a work situation that forced him to live in New Village, the government-built housing complex, he recalled he was number 227 on the list to get a larger apartment with a full size bathroom.
By the time he stepped out of the shower, the heat lamp bathed the small
room in an amber glow, and his tensed muscles had started to relax. He
studied himself in the mirror. His stomach had started to become flaccid. He had lost enthusiasm for his statistical work at All Asia Pharmaceuticals.
Su Lin. Two years, and she still frequented his dreams. He¹d pushed her memory to the back of his conscious mind, but dreams have a mind of their own. Last week when he requested an update on projection data from his own Sichuan Province, her image materialized on his screen.
He turned to a colleague. "Why is Madam Su Lin responding to a request for projection data?"
"Have you not heard, Chun Yee? She has transferred here to Chengdu City from the Beijing Province division. She may be the new director."
"The new director? Then why does she log on to a routine call?"
"That, I cannot say. But why are you surprised to see her face? You
are friends, are you not?"
"We were. I imagined she is too important to take routine calls."
Her image had burned in his mind for the remainder of that day.
He reached for the towel switch and thought of her again as he stepped from the shower. He could smell her cherry-blossom skin and feel the tender warmth of her hands on his back. He put on his tan uniform shirt and pants, looped the chain of his photo-ID over his neck, and caught the shuttle to AAP, Central China Division.
He entered the elevator to take him to his work station on the twenty-second floor of Huang Tower. Before the doors closed, his colleague Ziang joined him, in the navy uniform appropriate for R and D. Ziang was also 35, but his eyes sparkled with the same enthusiasm he had on his first day. His thick, black hair was a contrast to Chun's shaved head.
"What's the matter, Chun? You seem very tired. Is everything well with you?"
Chun shrugged. "I am having trouble sleeping. It's nothing." The elevator began its slow ascent.
"Do not let minor problems take over your life." Ziang playfully punched Chun's shoulder. "Do I need to remind you who we work for?"
"I suppose you are right, Ziang."
"Of course I am." He lowered his voice. "And my department is soon to issue something that will clear your cobwebs." His voice rose in excitement. "One pill and your anxieties will be history. You will not even remember you had any. And get this. No side effects."
"Mmmm. Sounds great," said Chun.
"If we had this a couple of years ago, you would not have become involved with that underground movement. You remember? The one that called itself Tienemen after the uprising back in the 1990s? If it had not been for Su Lin, you'd have been dismissed. What do you hear from her? I mean, now that she has moved up."
"I believe she has transferred here."
The ride seemed longer than usual. As they passed the tenth floor, he waited for Ziang to say something, hoping he would not. Chun felt disconnected, and since his fiasco with the Tienemen group, he had kept his thoughts to himself.
"I understand how you feel. You want more than you have." Ziang touched his friend's arm. "Of course you want more. Everyone does. Everyone wants to make their lives better. But how does one go about doing that? Not by rebelling against the system. Do you remember Yuan Tong? Well, he is back. Changed. I saw him last week. Down in Lower Level Five."
"Lower Level Five?"
Ziang nodded. "He did not quite remember me. No eye contact. I worry about his future here. They will probably transfer him." Then he whispered, "Out to Gansu Province."
Chun remembered their one-time associate. Yuan spoke at the citizen's rally commemorating the Tienemen Square uprising. He had said the Mega-Corporations were being dishonest with people. Su Lin was one of the people he had named. After that, AAP transferred Yuan to Golmud in Qinghai Province.
Wondering if there were such a thing as too much truth, Chun bowed briefly to Ziang as the elevator doors opened at 22. Ziang, whose office was on 25, returned the bow and smiled as Chun exited.
The only one Chun had ever trusted was Su Lin. She listened to his complaints, and he thought she shared his feelings. But her promotion made her supervisor of his projections department. She asked him to transfer to another division to avoid the suspicion of favoritism. He accepted a lateral position at Chengdu in Sichuan Province, far from Beijing. Just before he left, she questioned his judgment.
"Chengdu offers me better opportunity for advancement," he had lied.
"There are many opportunities here in Beijing. You are leaving because you are angry with me for accepting the promotion. The distance will end our relationship."
"That was your decision in taking this advancement, was it not?"
After he moved to Chengdu, he never responded to her emails. After a few months, her emails stopped.
"But now she is here at Chengdu, she might be able to help me," he thought. "She is in a position to write a recommendation. Maybe get me into a level ten position, and an apartment with a larger bathroom. She owes me that, at least."
That evening after he returned to his cramped quarters, he took two THC caps and switched off his video before he called her.
"Yes? Who is this? Why is there no video?" The soft voice that he had heard a thousand times seemed annoyed.
He said, almost whispering, "It's Chun." He held his breath.
"Who?"
"Chun," he said a little louder.
"How did you get my number?" She paused. "It does not matter. So you are still here at Chengdu. And still in Projections, no doubt."
"Yes, I am." More silence. "I just wanted to say 'hello'. I heard you had come to Chengdu." He switched on his video.
"Chun. You look tired. It¹s been a long time. Actually, you took me by surprise. I really shouldn't be talking to you at all. What do you want?"
"I hoped we might see each other again."
"I don't think it's a good idea. Especially now."
"Yes, it has been a while. But I'd really like to see you."
"I have come here to continue my training for a Directorship. For the Chengdu Directorship."
"Su Lin, I really need to see you," he repeated, ignoring her rejection.
"Do you understand that Directorship training involves months of preparation for security clearance? You know I am under a microscope." She paused. "Are you in trouble again?"
"No, of course not. I have been clean since that last problem."
"I should not have contact with level 3 employees."
"I am level five now. But that is probably as high as I will ever get. Without some help, that is."
"I see. And you hope that I can do something for you. You think I owe you, is that it?" Chun's cheeks rose in a half smile, like a child caught eating a sweet just before dinner.
"You have not changed. I suppose you never will. There is nothing I can do for you."
"Perhaps we can just talk."
"Why? We have nothing to say to each other."
"Please do not shut me out again, Su Lin." Chun said nothing more, waiting for her to give in.
Su Lin's forehead wrinkled. "Shut you out? I never shut you out. She paused. "I should not do this. If it is so important, come by tomorrow evening. If I were you, I should not come."
"What time?"
"At nineteen hundred."
The next evening, in casual clothes, he walked through the lobby and rode the elevator to the ninety-third floor. He stood hesitantly in front of her apartment, with his ID card in his hand. Abruptly, he passed the card over the photo ID reader. He heard the click of the lock, and the swish as door slid open. For a moment, he just stood in the open doorway, breathing hard, wondering if he should go in.
He stepped in. Su Lin entered the living-room. Her face was just as he remembered it, but he felt the cool breeze of her reception. Her hair was now shoulder length and full bodied, setting off her petite features. She wore a loose-flowing caftan, with red, blue, green, gray, and orange swirled in an abstract African design. The robe disguised her body features making her seem smaller than she was. He remembered supple limbs and firm flesh.
"Hello, Chun. You are late, but that is nothing new. How have you been?"
He nodded, looking from her face to her small feet, almost lost in the thick forest-green carpet. "Hello, Su Lin."
"You have gained a bit of weight. Yet you still have that frightened, lost-puppy look." Su Lin drew a deep breath. "I must tell you I have already completed the first stage of my directorship. It would be just like the corporation to test me by sending a level five to see me. And who better than you."
Her comment stung. "Test you? I would not do that, but I know how you must feel."
"Do you? I do not think so."
The muscles tightened in her jaw and neck, and a cloud of anger swept across her face and was gone.
"So you are moving up to the Chengdu Directorship," he commented, trying to be matter-of-fact tone. "Congratulations." He smiled and moved toward Su Lin with his arms open to embrace her. He hoped a hug would show that he now could accept her advancement. She put her hand on his chest and stopped him.
"Stop." It was more a command than a request. She looked in his eyes. "I should apologize. Please, sit down. I am behaving horribly. I will make some tea."
As Chun sat on a soft chair, Su Lin excused herself and went into the other room. He looked around the apartment. It was spacious and neatly furnished. There was wood, instead of the stainless steel and plastic he was used to. The chair in which he sat electronically encompassed him as if it had been made for his body.
He recalled the times he talked to Su Lin about what he had heard of the past, before the revolution, when individual differences and expression were possible. He believed those times were exciting, even risky. She always reminded him that the desire for individual differences had led to world wars, poverty, great misery, and millions of innocent deaths.
He felt a slight breeze. Turning his head, he noticed that the door to the balcony was open. He walked to the large doorway. From the ninety-third floor, the lights of the city twinkled below him as far as he could see. He looked up at the night sky, but only the brightest stars penetrated the glow from the city.
"You have decorated this apartment tastefully," he commented as she
reentered the room. She carried a small silver tray with a decanter of tea and two cups.
"I didn't decorate it. This is the way it comes. I choose a mode, and it's done. It suggests power through simplicity."
"Must cost a bit," he said, returning from the patio to the chair.
"There is no cost. You know that."
"I didn't mean money."
She placed the tray on a small table between them and sat on carved wooden rocker across from the sofa. "So you believe I have sold my soul to the corporation."
"The Su Lin I knew in the old days would never do that."
"Then you never really knew me. We were foolish children. I¹ve grown up."
"I have too, Su Lin. So I¹ll be honest. I need your help."
"That is just like you. But now, your behavior is risky."
"Maybe you are taking the chance, just seeing me. You said directors may not socialize with workers from lower groups."
"I am not a director yet, but even directors have some latitude."
"You are the only one who ever understood me. You are my only hope."
"What do you mean?"
"I am afraid that I will grow old as a level five. I want more freedom. I want to help others to be free."
"Free? Do you remember Yuan Tong? He wanted to help others to be free. But he, and you, do not understand what freedom is. People are better off as they are. He believed that AAP is controlling people. You think AAP prevents people from learning the truth about what you see as their miserable lives. The truth as seen by Chun Yee. You are not interested in anyone but yourself."
"That is not true."
"Yes, it is. We could have been here together. Now it is too late."
"What do you mean?"
Su Lin looked at Chun and shook her head. Her dark eyes glistened.
"You cannot know how badly I wanted you to be with me. But you never
returned my emails. The first year after you left was a very difficult one for me. For a while, I believed you would understand and relent. But you did not. So my career became my life. I was recognized for my dedication."
Su Lin got up and walked toward the kitchen. She paused at the doorway and looked at him. "You still complain about a lack of freedom." She turned and went quickly into the other room.
Chun raised his voice to be heard over the sound of running water. "I discovered a cache of statistical data disks in one of the archive rooms." He paused, waiting for her to return.
So? You have archival clearance," she said returning with a small plate of rice cakes. She placed the plate on the tray and sat on the sofa.
"What did you discover?"
"These disks had information on economic utopian experiments from Russian Communism to American Lunar Three. Every experiment eventually failed."
"And what if they did?"
"The projection is clear We are doomed to fail as well. Our society has become stagnant."
"That is an exaggeration."
"How else can you explain the recent outbreaks of violence in Ulaanbaatar and Ürümqi. That group called People Against Corporations?" Chun continued. "The corporations get our government to imprison the PAC leaders. Or worse."
"But Chun. But what is the point in alarming the people when there is nothing they can change? The violence is a result of what you call the truth. It frustrates them. Your truth causes anger. People die fighting in the streets for causes they do not understand. Better for them to be ignorant and happy. Ignorance encourages loyalty and love. That is freedom." Su Lin looked straight at him and spoke quietly. "That is what Directors do, you know. Foster loyalty and love."
"Loyalty and love. How can those exist without truth?"
"You never could understand, could you?" Su Lin sighed. She leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes.
"Understand? People do not know what is happening and you think that is acceptable?" He walked to the balcony, carrying his cup. The cold night air tingled his face and he breathed deeply. He put his hand on the railing and looked out over the lights of the city.
Su Lin looked away. "Oh, Chun, why did you come here? Why did you
contact me? You were never the courageous type."
Chun almost fell as his head snapped back. "What do you mean?" Tea
splashed on the green carpet.
"I have called the authorities and reported you!"
"What?" screamed Chun. "You what? Why? You have nothing to be afraid of. You're clean. You¹re moving up. You¹ve got a career!" Fear tightened a belt around his chest.
"You are right. But you still do not comprehend!" she raised her voice. "They know I defended you. They know about you and your ideas." Su Lin paused to catch her breath. "Where were you when I needed somebody? You ran away because your ego was hurt. I got a promotion and you were passed over."
"No. It was not like that."
"It was. You abandoned me. Do you understand now? Loyalty. I had to turn you in." She took a breath, her voice calm and composed.
Chun thought about Yuan, and saw himself with the vacant far-away look of someone trying to recall thoughts that are just beyond his grasp.
Quickly he looked toward the door. Tears distorted his vision. A thousand images flashed through his mind. He heard the click/swish as an officer entered, then another, guns in hand. Chun heard the pop as the first officer fired a tranquilizer dart. Su Lin muffled a scream with her hand.
The dart imbedded itself in his chest just below his left shoulder. The impact made him lurch backward toward the open door. He turned. In two steps he was on the balcony. A second dart struck the back of his thigh.
His knees failed and he started to sag. Holding the rail, he looked up at the night sky. Suddenly, he snapped his body erect throwing his arms in front of him. Like a diver, he cleared the railing and spread his arms like two wings. Back arched, toes pointed, he launched into the night.
He saw the glittering lights of the city, and beyond them, a golden glow on the horizon. Just before he lost consciousness, he knew that from this dream, there would be no waking.
